Monday, February 27, 2006

Me & Myself

Ten years ago, i was still clad in dingy school uniforms, getting up at 6am every morning from Monday to Friday and go through 8 hours of school only to go home with tuition classes and homework. It was almost habitual. I never recalled feeling tired and on top of what i was going through as a student, i took up extra curricular activities and sports only to give myself more reason to stay outdoors. I was like rushing through my teen life back then cause i kept thinking that it will leave me soon enough. I was right. It flashed before my eyes so quickly that i don't even remember what was it like to be a teen.

Back then, i remembered telling my mom that when i turn 16, she should think of me as an adult. She cracked and laughed it off. Now, I can understand why. Now, at 26, i can hardly even consider myself as an adult. To me, being an adult means knowing it all. Have a career, tons of money in the bank, shout at my remiser over the phone in the public. All in all, i haven't really saw that in me yet. I guess not all adults are like my parents. A few has said to me that i act older than my age, grew up too fast, too mature for my age and blah blah... I took them all as a compliment. I never wanted to be underestimated since i was a child. For some strange reasons, i always feel that there's a spotlight on everything i do. Like some people can trip and fall and NOBODY will see it. But for me, it will be the talk of the town. I remember growing up with tons of unwanted pressure simply bcos i want to be accepted. But somehow, i always have to make extra effort on owning things people get for free. So i always dreamt of leaving my childhood days and days that i still have to go to school and do what everybody else is doing. Already i realised that my life in school was so small and i was dying to live a bigger life.

When people start relating their back then school days and how they missed being a teen and all, i couldn't grasp what was there for me to miss at all. I am still glad that i "grew up too quickly". And i never really kept in touch with a single school friend of mine "properly" (friendster is bullshit!). That is how seriously apart i am from the first decade or so of my life.

I felt that i only started living between this few years. Only lately am i able to look around me and then marvel at my life. And as i grew, the world grew a little bigger too and the more i looked for, the more i found. Suddenly i felt so small and minute like a child amongst the adults. Then it hit me that i will never grow old enough to know everything, own all the money in the world and find contentment in something i am doing today as tomorrow's an entirely different story which i have yet discovered.

No comments: