Tuesday, January 31, 2006

An Inspiration of Life

Lately, i started doing some crafts and handiwork again to get in touch with my creative side. I haven't been doing such crafts since i discovered the wonders of computers. Partly, i haven't found the time and also source that i use to have before i discovered internet. Yes, i think the internet has robbed most of my youth and time, and it still is.

I would buy books and magazines to get myself all excited and inspired to work on some projects and recently, i made 2 simple frames for 2 dear friends with our picture in it. It was really simple and yet i struggled a little at my creative call! But i am glad i started it anyway and i am taking another step at establishing more little projects again.

I went online this afternoon and started looking around at ebay.au. I came about some nice ribbons for scrapbooking and to my awed, i found 2 sellers that are based in Malaysia! I've always wanted to buy stuff from ebay, but the payment and prosedures are simply too complicated for me not to mention the conversion rate and shipping fees blah blah...

So i contacted the sellers for further inquiries and i ended up "meeting" one seller by the name of Valerie Gan. She responded to my email the promptest and we ended up exchanging a few friendly emails. She mentioned she has a 2 1/2 yr old brain damaged son by the name of Bryant in her Ebay Store and she established this store to help support her child and also families with similar problems like her. So i typed her name at google to see if i can find anything about her and this is what i found at http://www.midwiferytoday.com/enews/enews0607.asp

I am neither a midwife nor a medical student. My son was born with a severe brain injury. I would like to know what is the acceptable time frame between crowning and full spontaneous delivery.

My baby was born in May 2003. Since birth he has not been able to cry, suck, or swallow. We now tube feed him; he tends to vomit each time we try to feed him. In his first two weeks of life, his eyes remained shut and his body movements were hypotonic. Though he is now able to move a bit more, at times the movements are spastic, and he tends to arch his neck when agitated. His pupils are not equal, and he does not appear to be able to focus. We now discover that he is also unable to see and hear.

Bryant is my first child. The latent phase took two hours, and the active phase was approximately six hours. After the latent phase there was a change of nurses at the hospital, and we were at times left unattended. It was two hours from the time I was fully dilated (according to a nurse that came in to check) before the doctor came to deliver the baby.

During the second stage I was told by yet another nurse to push the baby until the crown showed while we awaited the doctor's arrival. The baby was born with an Apgar of 5 and was not breathing. He had to be resuscitated and was subsequently sent to the NICU. Resuscitation was also delayed. Fetal monitoring showed merely 2 (Type 2 dips) during the whole
process. I was tested for some metabolic diseases, and all results were negative. Both my husband and I have no family history of illnesses and we lead healthy lifestyles (no smoking or drinking). Bryant's ECG test (done about three weeks of life) showed little bursts of activity. Although not confirmed, the diagnosis we feel is pointing toward infant asphyxia (HIE). Bryant sees a neuro specialist right now and visits the physiotheraphist once a month.

— Valerie Gan,

My heart broke when i read about her child and what she and her family had to go through. She then mentioned in her email to me that she does scrapbooking for her son to document his precious life and though it can sometimes be very depressing, she said that Bryant hasn't got very long to live and that is why scrapbooking helps her to cope and express herself.

Suddenly, my world grew a little bigger today after meeting Valerie. Knowing briefly about what she does and had to go through in life makes me feel that i am not living mine as i should. It is amazing how we are all brought together by common interests in the love for art. I am very convinced that art is a great way for many people to express themselves and every piece of craft always have a story to tell or a piece of emotion attached to it. Valerie's story inspired me more than any magazines and books,

I learnt a lesson in life today that the true inspiration comes from within and around us. I pray that Valerie will find peace and strength each day to be the great mother she is for Bryant. I also pray that God to take away Bryant's pain and suffering.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Home early today~

As Chinese New Year is closing in, the city and streets are starting to clear up already. Today, i left work on time and had a really breezy drive home. If only every day is like today.

And i only had one class to teach and the rest of the day to do my stuff. Even so, i felt there were so much extra time left and i actually did not procrastinate so much already! I am quite amazed at my working speed today. But, part of me is worrying about KL Lights, urgh~. Shooting in exactly 6 more days and i have nothing. It happens all the time and i let it happen again and again... sigh.

So i am going to have to do miracles again - and it is going to be a matter of time, my miracles wear out! So i am going to just chill and have whatever fun i think i deserve before i lose my life to this thing again.

Last week has been really productive in some ways. I manage to make it for my companies annual dinner and miraculously won best dress female that night. I felt really honoured, but embarassed mostly. I mean, everybody saw how much effort other people has put into their costumes compared to mine, so i kinda felt like i robbed it off somebody! Yeah, that's why i couldn't even bring myself to talk about it anymore other than to laugh about it.. He..heh..

Also, I managed to go grab dimsum for breakfast on a nice sunny sunday morning, a really rare opportunity! And i get to do it with friends i rarely get to hang out with too! So the timing of the KL Lights break came perfectly on time. And i am not wasting every single day of it. On Wednesday, i had to extend my class consultation hours for an extra 2 hours which lasted till 8pm, and i was still determine to make it for the japanese buffet with my collegues and some friends after that! That very day, i think atleast 6 person commented about how thin i've become. I really hope my job is not taking a toll on my health, it's really not worth that kind of sacrifice~ I am patiently counting down the days that i can resume to the "normal" lifestyle again and man, i can only imagine how i am going to cherish those hours i have without having to anticipate a crisis coming every week. At the time being, i can only look forward and learn to deal with commitments which i have made right now.

Monday, January 23, 2006

A dream i almost couldn't talk about

I woke up in cold sweat this morning; feeling upset and relieved at the same time. These are the kind of feelings i get when i wake from a bad dream.

I remember most of my dreams vividly. The colour, the places and also every word spoken in them. And i strongly believe that dreams hold a symbolic definition to our lives and also says alot about our current being and inner self which we are not aware of or not wanting to admit. In dreams, i always analyse how i feel in them when i am experiencing the unusuals - like this morning. I experienced a lost, in my family. And it was my father.

People who knows me also knows of my relationship with my father. He loves me to bits and he shows his effections openly. Some friends envied our relationship but i really do not know how to feel about it. He still baby-talks me and manja me. At 26 and married, that's really the last thing i want from my father. We never really had a grown up father to daughter talk before and he never take anything in my life seriously other than constantly reminding me about being cautions of the crooks and deceivingly nice people. He always had an easy way out at parenting. To him, being a good father means providing financially and everything you need which money can buy. At the age of 15 i couldn't wait to grow up, so my father can grow out of the baby-talk thing. But i think that's really not going to happen.

My father also has a problem at apologising and admitting his fault. Something which really ticked me off because at one point of my life, i looked up to him highly and i believed everything he said until i start realising that he made up most of the things he said just so he can have our attention. I was still a child then i can still remember how dissapointed i was. Nevertheless, it didn't end there. My father unintentionally killed my hamsters while i was at work one day and he never admitted it openly even til today. He was so desperate that he called me and lied to me about his friend wanting to get an exact same pair for his daughter. I was not angry about the dead hamsters, i was angry because my father was such a coward and he even turned around and blamed me for being ungrateful because i was angry at him. All the coped up anger and frustration never really left me. The most recent incident was him backing out on a family trip he initiated. Mike saw how badly he wanted to travel together and when he started making arrangements, my father pulled his famous stunt again. Making execuses and in the end it was never really about him!

I wonder sometimes, if there will ever be a day that my father and i can talk like adults. And if there will ever be day that he will ask me how was my day and listen tentively without judging or accusing me or anyone. I then thought to myself that it's probably not going to happen, my father is who he is and i guess nothing can change that. I cannot say that i've turned out perfectly, but i guess i wouldn't be who i am today if it weren't for him either.

The dream i had yesterday was like an sneak preview of what might happen. My father passed away suddenly leaving my inconsolable mother and us. Life seems so bleak all of the sudden. Without him, i felt like part of me was gone. And i also remember telling myself that i should have accepted him as he is and not find fault with him and now it's too late. I pitied my mother the most, because i think he is the only man on earth that is capable of living up to her temper and tantrums. It was my father who made my mother realise how lucky she is compared to her friends with marital problems. My father was also the only man on earth who is capable of withstanding my abusive grandmother.

I know i cannot stop the day when we will face death in the family. I never really had dealt with deaths of a close family member and the closest one i have ever encountered was a childhood friends father's passing. I saw the pain and tears in the family and i really don't know what i would do if it was me. I just hope that when the sad day comes for us to part, the living won't go on living with regrets and words left unsaid.

The dream i had yesterday was like a small closure to me on how i should see my family and friends in a different light now. We're not going to be around forever and we should cherish each day we still have with one another.

Friday, January 20, 2006

A day on a plate

The whole of last week has been quite tiring for me. Eversince KL Lights, my right eye has been twitching on and off every day without fail and my whole body aches when i get up in the morning and when i am trying hard to lie comfortably to sleep. Mentally, i feel alright. But physically, i feel like an old lady. I have yet started on my yoga regeme yet. And to hit the pool, the distance of it from my unit seems like a thousand miles away *sigh* Talk about procrastination...

So far, this year started off well for me despite having to going through some adjustments and tiring schedules. With a lighter teaching term to balance up my additional work involvement, i am trying all my best to make full use of by spending more rare quiet afternoons at some cafe with a book, my ipod and a pen and paper. I just love those personal times. It's even more fulfilling than having someone for company. Come to think of it, i NEVER had times like this for myself before! I now realise how much self discovery i am missing out. My so called free hours are always at work trying to be productive, only to end up procrastinating further. Now, i find myself indulging in new hobbies and interests and i enjoy everything more including work.

Somehow, i am starting to wonder if life will ever be this gratifying again once i go back to my original work style. It's too soon to tell if i will miss what i have now as it's hardly been a month since all these changes took place. But i am working towards a change and a change is what i am determined to get.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Moving on...

Two days ago, I came upon this article in December's Cleo 2 titled, "When you have outgrown your friends". And it instantly reminded me of a few person in my life whom i once felt extremely connected with in my life. But somehow or rather that connection did not last, at least not for me.
When it comes to friendship, i am not exactly the most likeable one. You get people who strikes off with others instantly and some who doesnt even need any effort to have friends. People would claim to know you even though they haven't exchange more than 10 words with each other.
Anyway, back to the article. It says that it is ok to keep a distance from people whom we feel that is holding us back at places we don't want to be at anymore. Sadly, i found comfort in those words of advice. I admittedly have left people whom i use to be extremely close with at some point in my life.
Some people may say that i am running away, but then again i do not see a point of making an issue out of it either, afterall, i am not exactly that person's favourite pal, otherwise i wouldn't even have thought of running away - right?
It has always troubled me over the years on how i have walked out on some friendship, but i was unhappy and it is true that i felt that we have outgrown each other to another level that we are going separate ways. I guess it is ok afterall. I still "see" them around and they seemed happy and content. Though i dearly missed those times we used to share, i cannot imagine myself sticking around either. It is true that these people hold something which i hate to be reminded of. And some were merely just people who appeared in my life and i never really did get them.
I am a meanderer, and i guess it takes alot for someone to catch on with people like me. I have found some friends who accepts me as me without any demand of what a good friend should do and also practise group rituals just to prove that you will be there. I hate being expected of something as i felt that i never owe anyone anything. But as it is, i am convinced that there are people who has friends whom they grew up with together and also people like me who constantly look for friends to grow old together.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

4&5 and counting on...

Not much going on today for me. Work as usual and i Just got back from KL Lights production meeting to get the scripts for Ep.4 & 5 and met my new prop master. He seems alright, easy going and all. I am quite glad that we got rid of that previous guy. He's got this thing which i didnt' quite get... it's like bad "chi" or sumthin'. The other good news is that i got Xin into joining the productions. I really hope she'll find it comfortable and to her liking. There're 10 more episode's left and im not even sure if i can pull through myself! But i got to! Ain also decided to use Ivan as the gibberish character Alvin! Saw his casting tape and he was so funnily suitable for it. Ain didn't spend much time deciding either.

I need to prepare props for this coming's Sat's shoot and i have yet gotten a clear production schedule yet. Am panicking slightly one half but staying cool on the other to maintain focus. No point panicking when i cannot do much right? And i always have to tell myself that this isn't the first time and things will come together as time goes by.And with the current team, i felt better control and comfort. I really pray this is meant to last. 

Ok... my headache is killing me, i need to get a panadol and hop right to bed as tomorrow's going to be another longggg day for me again. I love it!!!!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Living up to my resolutions

Alright, day 2 of 2006 and i think i am doing well by living up to some new rules i have set for myself, aka resolutions.

I must say that i did pretty well last year in fulfilling some wishes i made. Traveling abroad was one of them and getting more shoes and clothes were the rest. There is one thing which i didn't quite made it still. And that was to be more thrifty and save up my xtra bread for the rainy days. I guess i still couldn't visualise that rainy day. Very bad i know... sigh*

I have made a list of new things to accomplish this year and they are:

1. Stop procrastinating.
Yes, i have the tendency to procrastinate. I procrastinate every morning when getting up on time for work. I procrastinate when it comes to sending birthday cards on time. I procrastinate in getting the apartment spick and span during my free time. I basically have to drag my ass through every routine and task in my life. Funny though, i tend to make the fastest decisions when it comes to shopping. I still cannot figure why. So i am making it a point to do everything in sight without even giving myself a second choice. I guess that's the discipline i am going to set for myself. And i started off by making that tiramisu for Mike which he's been pestering me since... i can't remember when.

2. Stop procrastinating.
Yes, i actually wrote this point twice, subconciously! That shows how badly i want to get over this bad habit i'm having! And that notice board at work?! It will get it's long awaited make over tomorrow or i shall have to write this down the third time!!!

3. Save up.
I am still figuring out how. I tend to spend on things which i don't need every month or every single time i walk pass those shops - clothes and shoes. I am so ashame~ But then again i hate being left out of the fashionable world. I love dressing up and looking good, i've always loved that since i discovered reflections on mirrors! I don't think i can find a cure to this other than finding more money to support my addiction. So i am either gonna torture myself by not spending or work double hard to make more money and also... SAVE atleast a couple of hundred each damn month!

4. Do yoga or atleast some form of workout.
I bought myself this yoga DVD set that comes with a yoga mat for the greatest deal - RM49.90 from MPH sometime last year. And i still have not unroll the mat or played that DVD before. Again, i am so ashame~ So, i am going to make it a point again this year to make an initiative to get up at 6am in the morning once a week (for starters) and hopefully make progress from there. I am also going to swim atleast once a week. So, now i have 2 commitments to make, yoga/meditation and swimming every week.

5. Learnt to worry less.
I tend to worry myself sick over everything. And i find that to be the ultimate weakness in myself. When i worry, i start to doubt and when i doubt, i become pessimistic, and when i am pessimistic, i give up even before i start something. So i am still learning to loose that worry aunt in me. And i am glad i came to know that side in myself before i turn useless in everything i do.

6. (Re)Start a hobby.
I needed this. A hobby to balance myself up. I hope to play the piano again. So, i am making this my resolution of the year too. Buy a cheap piano for myself. I hope 2k will do the trick? hmm...

7. Do something wild with my career.
Alright, when i say wild, that's not what i meant. I meant wild as in do something that will earn myself a recognition and also challenge myself through wit and knowledge. I have a list of career objectives to achieve and i AM going to accomplish them all!!! WooHOOO!!!!

8. Read, Read and Read.
Alright, magazines counts too. But i am going to make it a point to read and learn instead of going, oh.. i see~ I am going to list down a list of new words to learn every week too.

9. Go to an island.
This is gonna be tough. I haven't been to an island for God knows how long. But this is a resolution and i am going to make sure i make it a point to plan a trip to the sun and the sea to chill and relax~

10. Print that damn album already!
Alright, one year after my wedding day and i still haven't gotten my wedding album printed by the photographers yet. So i really must get that done before my 2nd anniversary hits!

By far, i am suffocating with these 10 resolutions already. And i dare not list more or something beyond my achievement. Yes, i do not like to think that i am incapable of reaching my goals, so i am going to be realistic! Who doesn't want a trip to Europe or strike the lottery?! Geeze...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Looking back

It's 5 minutes past the stroke of midnight and i am sitting here infront of my laptop ushering the year 2006 by typing my first blog. It may be sad for some people, but i cannot imagine myself out there with the crowd, getting drenched and all sticky with sweat doing the countdown thang. I'd rather be here in the comfort of my apartment sipping my tea and sigh in comfort.

Gone are the days of partying and getting high with friends at some clubs and party. I never thought i would get over that kinda lifestyle so soon. I was actually enjoying all the late nights or shall i say, early mornings and never really bothered about the after effects at all. I guess it's just a phase in life for me. I actually thought i could keep up that kinds partying lifestyle, but heck no! I can remember myself scringing for the first time at the suggestion of clubbing. And im still quite amazed at how some people managed to upkeep that lifestyle.

Nah, i am not dwelling over the past and wishing that i am at some happening club shaking my booty away, i guess it's nice to look back at where we were at this time of the day years before and then go... "wow, that was me?!"

Well... talk about looking back, the year 2005 has been somewhat... different, well okay, i could use the word good and pretty fruitful. I started off the year as a married woman, yes, not single anymore. And getting use to a new lifestyle with my better half. There were ups and downs but nothing i would say did not make us grow stronger as a couple. It has been a really adventurous experience, lot's of self discovery and growth in thoughts and emotions. I have also met some really cool people and got closer with many people around me. I do remember myself feeling on top of the world at many occasions for being so blessed with all the riches in the world. I've learnt of many new things and if there's one best thing that stood out in my collection of experiences and memories, it has to be my honeymoon to Japan and being able to meet one of my dear friend who's been living there for more than 2 years. The best part of our meeting was how we manage to bump into each other despite the fact that we did not manage to have a phone conversation before hand to set a time. I could remember my excitement when i heard a familiar voice calling out to me when i was getting off the coach outside the hotel. And we literally ran towards each other and hugged the crap out!

The next best thing which i can say that i've experienced would be the chance offered to me to be an Art Director for KL Lights. I have always wanted to work for Productions, but was never qualified enough for anything. And this opportunity is like God sent! No doubt the timing and schedule is crazy and stressful, but hey, get some coffee, a goodnights rest and Wallack! Im ready for the next challenge. I guess it's how bad i really wanted this. And being a Geminian born in the year of the monkey, my boisterous and restless character doesn't really help me sometimes. I start procrastinating, okay... i still do. And i start questioning about the purpose of it all. I feel like quiting once we go through a break or a two. I just cannot be left to think alone at desperate times cause i tend to freak out for no apparent reason. And being a typical Geminian, i tend to put out the same fire i set myself and then sometimes still have the cheek to put the fire back on! Contradicting i know~

Nevertheless, life cannot be always rosy and filled with sun shiny days. I had my fair share of crappy encounters and experiences. And let me try list them out:

1 dent on my car bumper caused by someone with poor parking skills
1 mean confrontation by a student
1 stolen camera
2 tickets for expired parking ticket
1 stolen phone

and other petty issues that goes along with it. I guess it's not that bad considering that there were no tragedies and touchwood sumthin sumthin... I must say that though i felt like killing during those encounters, it's really not worth my time after all. I am happy that the people around me are good and healthy and i Pray for that to last. And though i am no church goer, my love and fear of God has always been steadfast. I thank God everyday for the blessings and lessons in life. And i pray that everyone will be looked after well in the year 2006 and the years to come. I pray that the world be a better place and may we live to realise the strength of nature can tear us down any moment, so we should be united not only during desperate measures but also during times of peace and harmony.